Here I am alone and I don’t understand. Exactly how it all begun. The dream just walked away… hinde ko matandaan paano nagbago. Yung unang taon na magkasama tayo, it was full of happiness, love and surprises. We were so inlove. Tipong walang makapaghihiwalay sa atin. Nakakatuwang alalahanin ang mga araw na kasama kita. Mahal na mahal mo ako at alam kong walang sinuman ang makapaglalayo sa atin. Pero nagkamali ako… I’m holding on, when all but the passion’s gone… The second year with you was full of challenges. Madalas hinde tayo nagkakaunawaan, nag-aaway pero at the end of the day nareresolve naman naten. Madalas din kitang tinatanong noon, kung gusto mo pa bang ituloy naten ang relasyon na ito, at sigurado ka sa sagot mo, “oo”. Kaya kahit nahihirapan ako, o nasasaktan, I held on. I held on to your promise. That everything will be alright. And from the start. Maybe we were tryin’ too hard. It’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ my heart. Things can fall apart but I know. That I don’t want you to go. Oo. Kahit hanggang ngayon. Kung maaari lang gusto ko andito ka pa rin. Pero siguro nga masyado tayong naging trying hard sa relasyon naten. It was like you and me against the world. We never had the support of our family kaya nahirapan tayo.  Masokista ba ako? Ewan, basta ang alam ko minahal kita noon. At kaya kong gawin ang lahat, makasama ka lang. Kahit ang pamilya ko, kaya kong iwan, kung yun lang ang paraan para makasama ka. And heroes die when they ignore the cause inside but they learn from what’s left behind and fight for something else. Worth it pa ba na ipaglaban ka? Palagay ko hinde na. Kasi nung mga huling araw na kasama kita, pag tinatanong kita kung gusto mo pa bang ipagpatuloy ang relationship naten, madalas hinde mo na ko nasasagot at puro dahilan na lang ang naririnig ko. “oo, pero…” ayoko ng ganung sagot. Oo lang o hinde.  And so it goes that we have both learned how to grow… And that was the end of it. Letting go was never easy. It took us months to finally say that it’s over. Nung nagdecide ka to let it go, I never heard from you. Swerte mo, wala kang narinig sa akin. Pinabayaan na lang kita, kasi alam kong yun ang gusto mo. Kaya kahit masakit sa kin na hinde mo ako pinaglaban, tinanggap ko yun… tinanggap kong talo ako. And from the start. Maybe we were tryin’ too hard. It’s crazy coz it’s breakin’ my heart. Things can fall apart but I know. That I don’t want you to go.Oh it’s just too much taking all the whole world all by myself. But it’s not enough, unless I start trusting somebody else. Somebody else and love again… It’s been awhile. I must say I’ve moved on. Ready na ako. Ready to fall in love again. And I hope this time, there is no letting go…

i love johnoy danao's rendition of this song...
sa kanya ko nga lang naintindihan tong song na to eh =)


I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

it's been awhile since i last blogged about my thoughts, feelings and sentiments. mahirap pala kasing magsulat ng article when you feel nothing... no heartaches, no inspirations... siguro i will have to focus my blog on my travel experiences na lang - eto lang naman ang meron ako for now. =)

"Promise me not to awaken love until the time is right."

-- Song of Solomon 2:7

There's no more waiting
Holding out for love
You are my god sent
That I have been forever dreaming of
My angel from above

Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When your around baby I have found I get lost in you

What is this feeling
I've never known before
That I should dare to, swear to, surrender ever more
That's what I came here for

Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you
When your around baby I have found I get lost in your wonderful gaze
Lost in your wonderful ways
Heaven knows
Oh, when your around baby I get lost
Heaven knows
I'm head over heels and it shows
I've played every field I suppose
But there's something about you baby when your around I have found
I get lost in you

Scar

 

(This article is inspired by A Broken Bone and A Broken Heart which I previously wrote. I just needed to put a closure on that article that I came up with this one. J)

 

Wikipedia: Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury. A scar results from the biologic process of wound repair in the skin and other tissues of the body. Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.

 

A natural part of the healing process. Now I can say that I am completely healed. Why? Because the only thing you can see now on my left ankle is the scar brought about by the surgery I had almost 5 years ago. I can now walk, run, and climb walls that I never used to do when I had the accident. I have forgiven the driver who caused me my broken bone because I know he did not intentionally bumped me. It was merely an accident.

 

Just like my heart. It has healed from all the pain and the hurt. I can now talk about the brokenness I once had. I can now mention the name of the person who allowed it to happen and smile as I remember our friendship. And I guess, I have forgiven him. For all the pain, the hurt and the sorrow he caused me. After all, I know it was never his intention to break my heart.

 

My accident caused me trauma for a moment. There was a time when I cannot even cross the street on my own. There were times I get startled whenever I hear a vehicle coming. I was just so afraid that I might get bumped again by a car. But as the days pass by, little by little, I try to overcome these fears. And I did. It wasn’t easy, but with consistency and determination, everything was possible.

 

Like love. Sometimes when our heart gets broken, we have the tendency to build walls around us because we are afraid to trust and love again. We should be ready to get hurt when we love. Because the reason why we get hurt is because we love the person so much that we don’t want to lose them. I may not have built walls around me during my brokenness. But I must admit, I also never opened my heart -- because I allowed it to get healed by itself. To prove to myself that I don’t need someone to heal, I just needed time. Time to accept the reality that no matter how hard you try, there are some things you have to let go of. Remember, giving up does not always mean you are weak… it also means that you are strong enough to let go.

 

A scar on my leg and a scar in my heart. I guess the latter is better. Why? Because the scar on my leg will forever remind me of the accident I once had, the surgery and the healing I have undergone, because it will always be there. It will always be visible to the human eye. But there is no way anyone will ever see the scar in my heart. Nobody will ever know how I used to be broken, unless I allow them.

 

Twenty.Ow.Nine

 

As the year 2009 ends, I can’t help but reminisce the joys, the tears, laughters, excitement, and people that made my 2009 a memorable year.

 

Travel. As you can see in my blog, I surely love to travel and go to new places. This year, I was able to see 5 new places/event: 100 islands in Pangasinan; Pahiyas in Lucban, Quezon; the small chapel in Caleruega; Sagada in Mountain Province; and Puerto Princesa, Palawan. (You must check out my previous articles for the details about these places J). I did enjoy these trips with my friends (itago na lang naten sila sa pangalang PGs).

 

NFF. New Found Friends. This year, I met a few good friends. At the start of 2009 I started playing badminton with Kath and her friends (who eventually became my friends too) – Fafa Chris and Karl. Jaja became my chat buddy and friend when she handled the quality coordinator role of one of my projects. I met Fafa Leo and Yats (hindi tunay na pangalan J) during our Pangasinan escapade.

 

From the Pangasinan trip, a new group was formed and we called ourselves PGs (see my previous article entitled Tropang PG). This group has been my consistent travel buddies throughout the year (Obvious ba?! Eh sa lahat ng photos sila ang kasama ko! J) I was really blessed to have them as my buddies, peers, and ofcourse, my friends. Thank you PGs for all the happiness, love, and support!!!

 

True Friends. I’ve had a few true friends who stayed close to my heart despite the distance. Chi, who is now in the US and have her own family, managed to keep our communication line open. Chi has been one of my bestfriends since college. Eloisa, my highschool buddy, though we are so much different, we’ve been good friends for more than 15 years now. Louise Bell, eventhough you are now in Singapore and enjoying your life there, I am glad you never missed the chance to see me everytime you get back home -- such a sweet, funny and thoughtful friend. She, my sister and friend, thank you for still being there to hear the thoughts of my heart. For listening though we are miles apart. I am happy that eventhough you have your own life now (with Vince), you still find time for me. I love you, friends! Please do keep in touch, ok?

 

Career. This year, aside from my social life, I also had a chance to prove to my superiors that indeed I am capable of doing my job. I recently received a promotion and wasn’t expecting it since this year has been recession for the whole world. Sometimes, things happen when you least expect them. And when they do happen, you get so surprised, so content and so happy.

 

Love. Was there really love for me for the past year? Hmmm… I guess not the kind of love that every woman dreams. Maybe it wasn’t love, only inspiration. But just the same, I was happy because I know my heart is open for anyone who would want to be a part of my life. “Sometimes, you’ve got to tuck your feelings away till it’s the right time. Like stuffing coins into a piggy bank for a bike you can’t quite afford.  Coz you’ll never know, maybe when you crack open the piggy bank, you’ll find out that all this time you haven’t been saving for a bike, but for a car… in God’s right time.”

 

Happy 2010!!! JJ

Ondoy

 

Setyember 26, 2009. Ito ang isa sa mga araw na maaalala ng mga Pilipino sa taong 2009. Araw na nagdulot ng labis na hinagpis, takot at nag-iwan ng matinding pighati sa ating mga kababayan. Ang araw na nanalanta ang baygong “Ondoy” at winasak ang napakaraming tahanan, pangarap at buhay.

 

Sabado noon. Walang pasok. Pagmulat ng aking mata, malakas ang ulan at masarap sanang matulog. Kaya lang may badminton kaming magkakaibigan kaya kahit tinatamad pa eh bumangon ako at nag-almusal. After ng breakfast, pagsilip ko sa bintana eh baha na kaya naisip ko na lang na wag ng umalis kasi mahihirapan lamang akong lumabas. Kaya sa halip ay nanood na lamang ako ng telebisyon at nakinig sa balita ukol sa masamang panahon. Maya-maya pa ang baha na kanina lamang eh nasa kalsada ay unti-unti ng pumapasok sa garahe. Sa mga nagdaang panahon, isa o dalawang beses pa lang naman kaming pinasok ng baha sa bahay. Karaniwan hanggang sa garahe lang kaya kampante ako na hihinto rin ang ulan. Ngunit makalipas pa ang isang oras, napansin ko na pagbukas ng pinto eh may baha na. At nagsimula na kaming magpanhik ng mga gamit upang maiwasan ang pagkasira ng mga ito kung halimbawang pumasok ang baha. Wala pang isang oras ay nasa unang baitang na ng unang palapag ang baha. Nakaka-panic lalo na at father ko lang ang lalaki sa bahay (eh hindi naman sya makabuhat ng mabibigat dahil sa rayuma). Sa bawat minutong lumilipas ay umaakyat ang tubig. Lubog na ang mga gamit sa buong bahay. Lumulutang ang mga mesa, upuan at pati ang refrigerator. Lumipat na sa bahay namin ang mga kapitbahay na lubog na ang bahay. Nakakatakot ang scene pag nakita mo ang kalsada na may mga lumalangoy makatawid lamang. Halos hinde mo na makita ang mga gate ng bahay. Chest-deep na ang tubig sa loob ng bahay, madilim at tanging kandila lamang ang aming liwanag. Ng mga oras na yun, pinaghanda ko ng gamit ang kapatid ko at nag-iisip ako ng paraan kung paano kame makakaalis kung sakaling magpatuloy ang pagtaas ng tubig. Sa gabing iyon, parang hinde ako makatulog sa kaba at pag-aalala kung patuloy pa bang lumalakas ang ulan. Bumabangon ako at pinakikiramdaman kung humuhupa ba ang baha ngunit sa sobrang dilim, wala akong makita.

 

Kinabukasan, pagbangon ko ay una kong tiningnan ang unang palapag ng bahay. Mabuti na lamang at wala ng baha. Ngunit katakot-takot na putik at basura ang iniwan ng bagyo. Gayunpaman, nagpapasalamat ako na walang masamang nangyari sa aking pamilya.

 

Matapos ang malagim na karanasan, sa twing lalabas ako at makikita ang ga-bundok na basura sa kalsada, halos madurog ang puso ko. Nakaka-depress ang kapaligiran dahil ang buong Marikina ay nalubog sa baha. Twing manonood ako ng balita na patungkol sa nasalanta ng bagyong Ondoy ay napapaluha ako sapagkat alam kong mahirap ang dinanas ng mga taong ito dahil saksi ako sa nangyari. Ngunit ang nakakatuwa sa ganitong sitwasyon ay ang taos-pusong pagtulong ng ating mga kapwa at pag-aalay ng kanilang oras upang matulungan ang mga nawalan ng tirahan at mga naulila.

 

Sa lahat ng mga nagbigay ng tulong, panahon at oras, isang taos pusong pasasalamat. Nawa’y magdulot ng magandang lesson ang sakunang ito sa ating lahat.